Mendhi Audlin 0:02
All right, so I was raised a southern girl and southern girls are taught to be nice, right? So it wasn't until I was a whole lot older that I realized that being nice and being kind are not necessarily the same thing. So it's what if Wednesday, and today we're going to talk about the difference between being nice and being kind. So today has been inspired by a question that came from a member of our Winterfest community. And the question that came to me was this. She said, Do you have any good tips or resources on forgiveness? This is I lost it big time yesterday, and I'm still feeling horrible. This is a personal space issue happens about once a year. So awesome question. I know the feeling. Have you ever just like that lost it? You know, things bubble up so much, and you just kind of lose it? So the question was about forgiveness. But what if there's actually something deeper going on? So what if we could be a little less concerned with being nice? And really learn what it means to be kind? So it is what if Wednesday, I am Mendhi Audlin. I am the author of the book when it all goes right and the founder of The What If UP Club, I was on the road last week, down in Texas, so shout out to all my Texas friends. Up here in Northern New York, I back home while I was away, it rained, and rained and rained. It's springtime, it's beautiful. You can see everything's green behind me. And when I came back, my garden was overrun with weeds, tons and tons of weeds. So I have spent a lot of the last week whenever I need a break, I'll go outside, and I will pull some weeds. Now the thing that's happened here, because there's also been a lot of rain, and it's springtime in Northern New York, there's also a lot, a lot a lot of bugs, particularly mosquitoes, and they don't really bother me when I'm out hiking around moving, but when I'm just sitting in the woods gardening, the mosquitoes have been as you can probably see, they have been. And hence, here's here's where my mind goes first, when I have all these mosquitoes forming around me, I know that only female mosquitoes will bite me, right. So the male mosquitoes they don't bite, it's only the female mosquitoes and they only bite because they they need to. It's kind of gross, but they need the blood for their eggs. So as a mom, as a woman, I have a little bit of compassion. Like I get it, I get why they're like ooh, mammal. Let's go grab a bite of that. I get it. And there's a part of me that is like, you know, sometimes it's like, you need your thing, and I need my thing. And I get that I've got something you need. So I have this compassion piece of me that just wants to say, Okay, fine, you know, but not fine, because you're biting me, you know, I'm waking up with bites all over myself. So it could be nice to say, I'm just gonna suck it up. I'm just gonna like not do anything and smile. And so it's okay I understand and not do anything to protect myself. So I did spend about a fraction of a second there having some compassion for the mosquitoes and and then you know, it's like that buzzing that Zoo. Bus is certainly. Okay, it is. It is time to maybe not be quite so nice. So then I had this talk. I'm like, come on. Come on, mosquitoes Cut me some slack here. I'm just trying to weed my flowerbeds. So I have the conversation. And I really think that that's maybe the difference between being nice, and just suck it up and smile versus being kind where you say, Hey, this is bothering me. You need to stop and I did I did have this conversation. With the mosquitoes out in my yard. I'm like, Katie,
Unknown Speaker 4:14
cut me some slack here. It's too much you need to back
Mendhi Audlin 4:17
off. I think it's kind to have those conversations when we're feeling frustrated. And then I hear that. In fact, there's one of me right now. They're everywhere. So So you know, so that I get to where I'm like, Okay, I gave you a fair warning. And then I'm out there and I'm just like, SWAT Swat, Swat, Swat, Swat. And even though I may catch a couple of mosquitoes every now and then what I find is 90% of the time, I'm just like, just beating myself up literally out there beating myself up like this to try to get the mosquitoes. So I'm like, Okay, this strategy of you know, I'm just if you're going to do That to me, I'm going to do this to you an eye for an eye a SWOT for a SWOT, you know, it doesn't. It doesn't lead anywhere. I mean, sure, I could go on to my yard, and I could put pesticides everywhere. But then I gotta live in that. And it's my vegetable garden, you know, it's like, I don't want to, I don't want to just go decimate them all. It's like, they're part of an ecosystem here. And you know, and I respect that. At the same time, I'm ending up with bites all over me. So here's sort of the the AHA, we're really going today is talking about, okay, so there's big, nice, who's being kind. And then there's also this other thing. So what if this is really just about setting healthy boundaries, like, here's my space, this is a bug net. This is actually what people were here, when they're gardening in Northern New York. It keeps the bugs out like this is my space. And you can do Mr. Mosquito, actually, Ms. Mosquito, you can do whatever you want to do, outside of my personal space. But once you're my personal spit, like, this is my space, and you're not invited into this space. So if you've ever been in that situation where you have someone or something, and it's just like, been boiling up, you know, you've been letting it slide, letting it slide, smile, and nod, smile and nod. That's what I was taught is just, you know, tolerate it, tolerate it, let it go, be nice. I learned from one of my mentors a long time ago, he gave me this acronym. He said, Mindy, nice in ice. You know what that stands for. He said, that stands for nothing inside cares enough. And that was a paradigm shift for me that every time I'm just like, smiling, and like, okay, just let it go. Just let it go. Don't say anything, just let it go. Thinking that I was being nice, if that's the nice thing to do, that it was really just that nothing inside of me cared enough to have the difficult conversation that is going to change things. To me, that's what kindness is, it's not nice to have someone who is doing something that is bothering you and not to even let them know, I've been in relationships like this where I've been in partnerships where my partner is doing something that is annoying me and bothering me. And rather than having the conversation, and dealing with maybe a little bit of a difficult or uncomfortable conversation, that it builds up and builds up and builds up until some little thing causes me just to explode. So I've learned since then, that the reason I'm exploding is because when you bury your feelings, you bury them
alive. And they will find a way out. So what if instead of thinking that we're being nice by not rocking the boat, what if we learn to be kind? What if we really allow love to express and what love does is love communicates? And love says, Hey, I have a boundary here. And and the way we're interacting right now, that boundary has been crossed, and we need to do something about it. What if we can recreate co create our relationship so that your needs are being met, and my needs are being met? You're getting what you need. And I'm getting what I need and that neither one of us are, are annoying or frustrating or causing the other any kind of discomfort? You know what I mean? So what if that is actually the kind thing to do? What if those conversations grounded in love are actually the kind thing to do? And if we don't do that what we end up doing is swatting at each other. And that's not the kind of thing to do. That's not what love would do. So what if we have those conversations? And what if even if those conversations don't lead, where we want them to lead, that we know that we can set our boundaries that we can choose who we want to be in relationship with, and we can distance ourselves from others if they do not respect those boundaries. The follow up when I responded to this message from one of our members. So again, what she had asked originally was, she said, Do you have any good tips or resources on forgiveness? Because she lost it in a situation that she that happens every now and then, of course, it happens every now and then if we don't have a way to express eventually, you know, it's like a geysers like oh, yeah, every now and then it just explodes. It's because it builds up, builds up, builds up and then explodes. But what if we had a healthier way? To not let those things build up? What if we can learn to talk to each other in kindness and to know those conversations even when they're difficult, even when we're telling people something? They don't necessarily want to hear that that is the kind thing to do because it allows us to grow together. So I asked you know, do you want to learn about forgiveness for you are is this for the other person? And this person said it's for both. And she actually said that she was listening to Abraham Hicks love and that Abraham said letting go of the discordant thoughts that separate you from source is what forgiveness is? How do we let go? How do you let go of the discord and thoughts? And to me those discordant thoughts, those thoughts that, hey, you're biting me and it hurts, you know, it's like, that's an experience that I'm having that I could just let go of that and keep getting bitten. Or I could say, you know, my discomfort is guiding me to take the inspired action of doing something different of setting a boundary. And you can do that without slotting without splattering, killing mosquitoes. We can do that in a way that is as simple as having the conversation being clear what our boundaries are. And then if that doesn't create the result that we're looking for, we come to our What if up community we say, Hey, here's what I'm trying to create. Here's what I've tried, What other ideas do you have? And what if it's as simple as that? What if it's as easy as speaking to each other? What if our relationships grow stronger, when we have the courage to speak to each other in love and kindness? Even if those things aren't necessarily things that we want to hear? So that is the possibility. And I'd love to hear, what do you think is possible? What are your ideas? What are your possibilities, your what ifs about setting boundaries, like I hold no grudge against those mosquitoes I have forgiven them. And at the same time, I'm not inviting them to do this again. Right. So I've got the boundary. Now I've got I've got the way that I have changed in this relationship, so that we can coexist together. In fact, I'm looking out my window, I'm seeing all the Robins outside and they're grabbing the worms and they're eating the bugs that go hummingbird feeder here, they eat the mosquitoes, that by allowing them to be in my yard, I'm providing an abundant feast. And I know and I trust that nature will bring it all into balance. In the meantime, I've got my boundaries, I've got my strategy, and I've got my way of being able to be in this world, and to be at peace, and to get the things that I need. So thank you for joining.
I love seeing your ideas, your possibilities. If you're not in our wonderful group, I invite you to join us at what if up.org and share what's coming up for you. What are you stepping into what is being nice mean to you? What is being kind mean to you and what could you do? What's an inspired action you could take this week to put these ideas into motion. That thanks for joining I hope you have a great What if Wednesday and I look forward to seeing you next time right here
Unknown Speaker 12:52
in what about rains down, you chase your dream
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
